I was coaching a guy to help him bring a bit more assertiveness into his relationship.
He's been a Nice Guy for as long as he can remember, and he doesn't even really know what it means to disagree anymore. He just feels like he's “easygoing” and he doesn't care that much.
When I prodded him for examples of times where he's been falsely agreeable in order to keep the peace, he genuinely couldn't think of anything, because he goes through this process of lying to himself first.
This is a common Nice Guy dilemma, especially in long-term relationships. You get so efficient at talking yourself into agreeing that you don’t even notice this internal process occurring. It feels like you genuinely agree!
This is why many Nice Guys feel offended when I call them dishonest. They don’t know they’re lying.
Anyway, we're talking about it for a while and he says, “Well there is this one thing, but it's so stupid. You know, it's just small and petty”. Asked him what it is. He says, “When my wife brings me a cup of tea she leaves the spoon in the cup, and it annoys me a little bit”.
He’s never once thought to ask her to take the spoon out. She has no idea he has this preference.
And I told him, “This is where the battle is fought, at least at first. It's not about big terrifying confrontations. It's about being honest with the tiny little bothersome aggravations that you talk yourself out of bringing up”.
That's where confidence starts!
For more on this topic, check out my video “How to confront your wife about small issues if you’re a Nice Guy”
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