When writing this, I'd just finished watching episode 6 of Baby Reindeer.

One of my previous clients Ian put me on to this. He just said, “You got to check out this guy. He's got a nice guy syndrome for sure!”

Firstly, full props to Richard Gadd for creating this program where he acts as himself, because he's just so powerfully honest in his portrayal of himself. He doesn't come out as the hero. He's clearly taken responsibility for his part in this, especially during the climax of episode 6.

This is when (slight spoiler alert) he finally comes to a crashing realization about the truth of his chaotic and disastrous life, about the responsibility he bears for being the creator of this suffering, and he shamelessly admits it to the world.

What he's identified - the thing that I wanted to talk about today - is this idea of how he ruined his life and his potential relationships because “I love hating myself more”.

A lot of you wonder why you self-sabotage, why you feel like you're not good enough all the time. It seems like bad luck.

And you feel like you're trying to fix it, like you’re doing your best to live well and you want to stop sabotaging yourself but if feels out of your control.

But Gadd identified that a lot of nice guys actually subconsciously love hating themselves. They love being the loser, the underdog, the unlucky one, and they actually continually behave in a way to maintain that identity.

Or, as I would put it, they’re attached to a loser identity because it’s familiar and easier to do than to face their dark trauma and confidence issues and fear of intimacy.

If you take on the responsible frame of “Nothing I do is by accident” you’ll start to see how you create bad luck through avoiding confrontation, seeking approval from others, procrastinating on important tasks, and fixating on emotional control.

Once you see it, you can change it.

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